Camera Store - The Hell of Retail

To Quit Or Not To Quit

So, as you may have gathered by now, I don't much like my job.

Most middle-schoolers should have been able to pick up on this. I can see an SAT reading comprehension test with one of my entries followed by

(22) The author ___ his job.
a) loves
b) is thrilled by
c) looks forward every day to
d) does not much like

But getting back to the point... Despite the fact this job is not that pleasant, I recognise that my enduring it is necessary for the payment of bills and the purchasing of food, both of which are essential to my well-being.

However, the real problem is: This job, plus my studies (all right, I am not quite out of college yet, I'll be graduating in a couple weeks), is not leaving me any time to look for a REAL job. I have a few leads about companies that might hire me to do interesting and rewarding work, and I would love to read up on them so I could send them informed-sounding cover letters, along with my resume and maybe some of my best work I have produced for my classes... But reading about the company and preparing these things for them, let alone interviewing and so on, take a lot of time. Time I do not have.

Here's how little time I have: You know those days when you wake up at your own pace, read for fun and surf the web and watch TV/DVDs and play Halo all day, and then go to sleep not having changed out of yoru pajamas, barely having left your room at all except to pee and to eat... If I don't have a day like that every couple of weeks, I go insane. I have not had a day like that in about 3 months. I actually CRY when I think long enough about how long it's been since I've been able to truly relax, since I've had a whole day when I did not feel I had a list of urgent productive tasks to accomplish. Yes, I'm spoiled, and yes, I know I will eventually only be able to have a few days like that per year when I become an adult, but right now, it's essential to my happiness. I feel like I have to put on a serious face and bury my anger/frustration deep down, so that I don't cry/scream/whine continuously due to the impossibility of my ever truly resting/relaxing. The only reason why I had the time to write this blog was that I did not have homework for one week. That was the week I had time to take all the tons of little pieces of paper I had written "notes" on and develop them into blog entries. Also, the fact that I am at work at different times each day, and different days each week, have meant that managing my time is next to impossible. I am eating unhealthily (often taking whatever is the fastest, not the most nutritious, meal available) and not exercising. And I have not been able to spend more than an evening at a time with my girlfriend, which is SO not cool.

But I digress. The point is, I am not doing as well in my studies as I could, and my search for a real job has ground to a halt (as have less important things like playing video games and reading novels). This is actually a very bad thing for my future and my life in general.

So I wanted to quit this job, and get a job with regular hours, and one that left me enough time (like say THE WEEKENDS!) to look for a real job, relax, and hang out with my girlfriend for more than a couple hours at a time. I looked into tutoring, and into being a dance instructor (yes, I enjoy ballroom dancing).

Eventually, however, I realized that searching for a real job IS a full-time job, and that I would have to have NO JOB (especially at the same time as my studies) in order to really be able to dedicate time and energy to finding a real job, and to have enough SPARE time and energy for me not to have a breakdown when I think about how little free time I have.

My parents have expressed throughout my life that they feel they should help me out however and whenever they can to get my life on the proper track, to help me get my education as best as possible. So I asked them if they would support me until I graduated and found a real job. They said yes.

So I decided to quit.

Throughout that day, the birds were singing, the sun was shining, and every tree and rock and bicycle and object I saw in front of me revealed layer upon layer of miraculously intricate beauty. It was like I was high for a day. As someone who likes to draw and to take pictures, I kinda like to admire things like the texture and details of wood and concrete, the way the light of the setting sun plays on the leaves of a tree, the way shadows overlap and hide or enhance details, the way clouds look at sunset, the way things look so different at night. I could recite the "Sometimes there's just so much beauty in the world" speech from American Beauty, but I'll spare you. The point is, there is just TONS to look at and admire in any ordinary place. And I am only able to see that when I am fundamentally content, not worried, not stressed out, able to relax, and at peace with my life and myself. I was very glad to notice all these things again starting the day when I decided to quit this job and get my life back to the way I wanted it.

I also scheduled a few trips that my job would not allow me to take: Home for Thanksgiving, Home for Christmas and New Year's (my manager said I could have about a week off around New Year's, and that was it), and three days off a week and a half ago for that aforementioned Very Big Event in the niche field of photography that I am interested in.

OK, so here's where it gets interesting.

I knew that all I really wanted was more free time, and the ability to take those three trips. I COULD have told my boss (my manager) that "Hey, I'll keep working for you if you want to, but here are some new conditions". I thought that was an asshole-ish thing to do, holding my job hostage like that.

I also knew that, as long as I was employed there, I would feel certain duties of an employee. If my boss said "Could you come in at such-and-such a time, even though I had not scheduled you for that time? Sorry about the short notice", I would feel obliged to say "Yes" if I did not have unbreakable plans for that period of time. If my boss asked me to stay late one day, to work extra hours, etc, and I did not have plans with other people for that time, I would feel I would have to say "Yes". That's just what a good employee does. So even if I DID do the asshole-ish thing and say "I'll remain an employee, but for fewer hours a week", I would not feel I could stop those fewer hours from growing.

So, for all these reasons, quitting altogether was preferable to just working fewer hours. Time to give two-weeks' notice.

So I wrote my boss a long apologetic note, explaining why I felt I had to quit. She read it, and asked me if I could not be persuaded to work fewer hours, and I told her that No, a complete break of my duties as an employee would be the only way to prevent them from growing greater than I wanted them, because I do feel a duty to take on whatever duty you assign me, within reason. (In other words, I tried to make it sound like "Being a proper employee is more than I can do right now, and I would not want to be less of a good worker than that", which was essentially true). So she said, all right, you'll have your last paycheck in two weeks.

She did, however, really want me to work there part-time, if possible. I felt tempted to give in and be a bad employee and say "Ok, but just a few hours a week, and I get to go on these trips I have planned". So I guess holding one's job hostage in exchange for some demands is not as bad as just quitting. I guess that makes sense.

It doesn't make much sense if you see your job as being "Doing whatever you can to ensure the success and well-being of your company, and the trust and goodwill of your employers", if you care about your job, if you think it is important, that it ought to be done well. But I DON'T care about my job, just about earning money. So the "holding one's job hostage" thing does make sense if you see your job as simply a deal where you exchange time and energy for money. "Hey, I just decided that I don't want to sell ALL this time anymore", or "Hey, I think the price of my time is gonna go up". I't just a business relationship.

However, I still felt bad about quitting, about screwing over my boss, and the store. They would be REALLY understaffed, and our manager and our district manager and sales people from other stores would have to be filling in for me. (Not that it's my fault that they don't hire aggressively enough, and too selectively). When they hired me, I said I'd work through the holidays. How do I suddenly say "I have decided that this deal is not in my interest anymore, so I'm gonna call it off"?

Well, my contract does say my employment is "at will", meaning "the company holds the right to terminate my employment without cause or notice", a right I also have. In other words, it's the same as being fired, except I'd be firing them. I would be doing what is best for my interests in a way that is allowed by the contract, and although I'd be screwing someone over, I would only have to feel bad about that if I wanted to.

My girlfriend asked me how I could look at it like that. They're the employers! They're the ones in a position of power! Ah-ah, actually, no. Whoever cares less about my employment, whoever needs it less, is in a position of power. In this case, it's me. I'm the one who says "either things go my way or our relationship is over" to my boss. That was very empowering, although it furthered the feeling that I had to do it just right to make them not be mad at me.

So I quit. I "fired" the company - they were being detrimental to my interests, and their demands were greater (and benefits less great) than I had been led to believe when we started our relationship, so I ended it.

But is the story over? No, not yet.

I then made the mistake of talking to one of the lab guys about this. He is really cool, and I allowed him to persuade me that working there is not so bad, that we get great discounts, that the store really needs me (we ARE understaffed like you wouldn't believe)... c'mon, at least work a few hours a week. You'll still get tons more time than you have now, can't you help us out just a little? Do you need ALL those hours? I thought about it a bit (clearly not enough), and agreed with him.

All right, I'll stay. Part time. Sixteen hours a week, MAYBE 20 (down from 42), and I get to go on my 3 trips. So I told my manager. I did the asshole-ish thing, and said she could "keep me, under the following conditions". She was pleased. It's not an asshole-ish thing to offer something instead of nothing, and I swear I was not being purposefully manipulative by saying I'd quit (at which point she realizes she needs me) and then say "All right, I'll stay if..". So I ended up not feeling bad about saying I could only work part time, and not through the holidays.

I'm such a wimp.

posted by Remus